I wish today would just piss off


Today is being a fucking awful day, and its only midday. Im at work, work itself is fine. Investigating what information will be needed for a refresh of reporting for the recoveries area. But, part of it is I am at work. I like my job, but all day Im shaking, as soon as I walk away from my fan (I have bought a fan for my desk) I sweat, its not hot but when your shaking constantly, and fucked in the head apparently sweating is a constant. My stomach hurts, I feel like I want to hurl, but Im not sick. Im tired, I had another shitty sleep last night. Dont actually feel like I got any sleep.

But most of all I am so sick to death of not knowing why I am the way I am. I have been seeing Psychiatrists and/or Psychologists for the past 10 months, taking meds and all that. But the only thing that seems to have changed is that my compulsions dont run my life as much.

My Psychiatrist has referred me to get a EEG at the Royal Adelaide Hospital as soon as possible, which when I rang to make the appointment they have told me will be about a month away. But I cant just ring and make an appointment I have to send them the referral and then they will let me know when I am to come in. The Psychiatrist wants to rule out complex partial seizures. You would think that if it is a possibility that someone is having them, getting them an EEG quickly would be pretty important but apparently not. If its not that then I may be having brief psychotic episodes. What that means medication wise, lifestyle wise etc I dont know. Again, left waiting for yet another medical professional to carry out some tests and see how we go there, but no rush.

Its bullshit, I just want to know what exactly is wrong with my brain, what I can do to fix it, and move on. But no, yet again I have another wait, and even then its not going away, it just gets managed, like a mowing weeds. You manage the garden but the fuckers keep on growing back.

This all leads down the inevitable path of, just kill ya self, and then its a battle to try and quieten the voice in your head so you can focus on what you need to do, all the while your brain is giving you ways, and ideas on how to take a flying leap with a very abrupt stop. This goes on and on and on and on, then I start questioning how serious I am about doing it, am I actually a danger to my self, should I be worried, well now I am worried. And the cycle continues, all the while I just want this fucking day to piss off and leave me the fuck alone.

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About malensteptoe
I am work for one of Australia's big 4 banks in the System Admin Team. I am also a mental health sufferer. Currently diagnosed with OCD, MDD, Panic Disorder, Anxiety Disorder, Agoraphobia and Trichotillomania. I also write books and a blog. I am an advocate for change of the view towards mental health sufferers. We can and are beneficial people in society, with much to offer and contribute. We are not all violent, actually the percentage of violent tendencies in the mentally ill and those without mental illness are no different. You may work with someone right next to someone with mental illness and never know. So maybe it's time to re-evaluate your opinions?

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