Emotional Chaos

I dont know what it is, but this week has been hard. Im not one to be or express emotions overly but I have struggled to maintain composure for most of this week. Yesterday, was extremely hard. I hadno reason, I had nothing which I am out of the ordinarily sad about. But, none the less all day I had been fighting the urge to break out in tears. I havent cried for years, and every now and then I feel like this where I feel like I am about to cry. I cant stand it, I hate the feeling of just wanting to cry with no reason.

As the day came close to ending, I started to feel somewhat better, once the day was over, I got to go home, and shut the front door and with any luck not leave my place until Monday morning when I start the fight to be at work for the week. On my way home I got everything I will need for the weekend so I dont have to leave for anything over the weekend. Food, drink, smokes etc all stocked up.

It would so much easier to not go to work, to stay at home. Maybe I could be allowed to work from home. I have access to do so, and for the most part I just need a computer and a phone to do my job. But, easier does not mean better. While I might be calmer, less anxious etc, I also know if I give into this, and hide at home all the time, away from others etc this would just end up feeding my depression, and re-enforcing the agoraphobia. Neither of which is a smart move.

It’s a fight, one that has to happen daily. Every day I get up and go to work and despite the anxiety, the fear, the discomfort and the thoughts I make it to the end of the day, having put 100% in, that’s a win. When I don’t win the fight, when  don’t feel I have put in 100% or what ever, I haven’t lost, I haven’t failed, I have held my ground, I go home, regroup, wake up and fight again.



About malensteptoe
I am work for one of Australia's big 4 banks in the System Admin Team. I am also a mental health sufferer. Currently diagnosed with OCD, MDD, Panic Disorder, Anxiety Disorder, Agoraphobia and Trichotillomania. I also write books and a blog. I am an advocate for change of the view towards mental health sufferers. We can and are beneficial people in society, with much to offer and contribute. We are not all violent, actually the percentage of violent tendencies in the mentally ill and those without mental illness are no different. You may work with someone right next to someone with mental illness and never know. So maybe it's time to re-evaluate your opinions?

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