Strange Day

My Psychologist is getting me to write down when I am feeling more depressed than usual the situation, my mood, how I feel physically, what my behaviour is like and my thoughts. It’s interesting somewhat to look at how you are breaking it down to this level.

Today, I’m all over the shop. One moment Im of, next my eyes are welling up and I feel like I am going to cry. My stomach hurts, though this is so normal now I would be worried if it didn’t. Im not feeling so anxious as normally would, not shaking but am sweating, but it is a pretty warm day. Im pretty well ahead of expectations project wise at work and have finally handed some of my day to day stuff over so Im not at all stressed by my work load.

This all being said, I was just out having a smoke and had the urge to launch myself head first at the wall out there. Not sure how much damage I’d actually suffer but that was the urge. Im not thinking so much of killing myself today, which is pleasant, however I really feel like I need a break, not from work but myself. Like a coma, that sounds pretty appealing today.

Given how I have felt, and what I have been thinking of late the way I am feeling today is actually pretty good. That in it’s self is a sad statement/thought. I would really just like to be able to work, etc. and just be ok, no shaking, no sweating, no fidgeting, no thoughts of killing myself, or knocking myself into a coma. Just come to work and all this shit, this mind numbing crap, just didn’t interfere, it didn’t impact my every day life.

Along with all the shit in my head, I am also in pain constantly with my back. Yesterday and today has been pretty hard with it, I can feel a weather change coming and with that comes more intense pain. It can be pretty debilitating which in combination with the stupid shitty thoughts it seems to join forces and attack on all sides.

The pain killers I take (Panadine Extra) take the edge off when it flares up, but doesn’t get rid of all the pain. But if I was to take something that did, well then I wouldn’t be able to work. I can deal with that, I can deal with just the dull throb, the feeling of my spine being compressed in a vice. But the thing that bugs me about the pain killers is that when I do take them I seem to feel more down. I don’t know if it is coincidence, or that I become more aware of how I feel or what ever, it just shits me to no end.


About malensteptoe
I am work for one of Australia's big 4 banks in the System Admin Team. I am also a mental health sufferer. Currently diagnosed with OCD, MDD, Panic Disorder, Anxiety Disorder, Agoraphobia and Trichotillomania. I also write books and a blog. I am an advocate for change of the view towards mental health sufferers. We can and are beneficial people in society, with much to offer and contribute. We are not all violent, actually the percentage of violent tendencies in the mentally ill and those without mental illness are no different. You may work with someone right next to someone with mental illness and never know. So maybe it's time to re-evaluate your opinions?

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