What the hell?


What the hell, I’m at home, I normally am OK when I am at home, but for some reason right now no…not so great. I’ve been playing Minecraft, watching some TV shows, generally just relaxing. Then out of no where I get all teary and want to dry. Like switched in a millisecond. What the hell is with that? I have hardly thought about the EEG earlier, I have actually felt pretty decent this afternoon but I just want to ball up in a dark corner. It amazes me how quickly my mood can change, how quickly I can be OK and then not.

Thankfully, I haven’t had suicidal thoughts along with this, but last night I had this weird thought. I hadn’t been having suicidal thoughts but for some reason it made sense for me to write a list of ways to do it. I didn’t, I let the thought play out, no planning, no list making. But it’s weird that I would have that kind of a thought.

I don’t have plans to do it but it does seem to be an ongoing thought process for me. Bugs me that it is, wish it wasn’t. Thing that really irritates me about it is I don’t actually have a desire to do it, yet something in my head keeps thinking about it. I don’t really understand why that is and so far no one has been able to answer that question. Best I can figure is that my brain is trying to figure out how to get away from the anxiety, the frustration etc. and the whole fight, flight or freeze thing happens. You either fight, you run away or you freeze.

Rationally, my mind wants to fight, there is an instinctual desire for self preservation, but when the threat is your own mind, I suppose the flight option is to take a short trip with a sudden stop. It’s some what hard to run from your own brain. Freeze, well that’s not so much an option, your mind doesn’t really just turn off. So there is kind of a part of that which is understandable, not the actually doing it, the reason the mind goes there. But it sort of, to me at least, seems to go against the primal drive for self preservation.

 

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About malensteptoe
I am work for one of Australia's big 4 banks in the System Admin Team. I am also a mental health sufferer. Currently diagnosed with OCD, MDD, Panic Disorder, Anxiety Disorder, Agoraphobia and Trichotillomania. I also write books and a blog. I am an advocate for change of the view towards mental health sufferers. We can and are beneficial people in society, with much to offer and contribute. We are not all violent, actually the percentage of violent tendencies in the mentally ill and those without mental illness are no different. You may work with someone right next to someone with mental illness and never know. So maybe it's time to re-evaluate your opinions?

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