Another week is upon us

It’s a new week but unfortunately the shit from last week follows. I saw my Psychologist this afternoon, we discussed my Agoraphobia and Depression primarily. It seems that she is finding it hard to work with one thing or another because there is so much going on and one this seems to be built on or connected with the other.

We went through a relaxation session focusing on my breathing while paying attention to different parts of my body, toes, feet, legs, etc. We didn’t have a huge amount of time to do this session but what I found interesting was the moment I started to almost relax my body would tense and rip me away from actually relaxing.

The other thing that has plagued my mind since we spoke was a question she asked. “If you didn’t have the anxiety, the depression, you were actually at peace… what would you do?” I have to admit I was completely stumped. I can’t remember the last time when I didn’t feel anxious and/or depressed or something. I really didn’t know how to respond to the question. After a while I thought, I’d like to travel like to Egypt, England and Japan. As much as going to these places would be awesome the idea of not being at home at night or being able to escape home or get away from everyone if I need to terrifies me. What would happen if I had a panic attack, what would happen if I wasn’t able to cope, what would happen if this or something else? It scares me more than pretty much anything I can think of right now. After leaving the meeting and thinking some more I think if I didn’t have all the shit I might like to enjoy being alive.

Last thing she and I talked about was to give her my word that if I felt like I was going to self harm that I would contact the crisis support line. It’s an odd thing promising someone this, first of all actually promising it, secondly that someone thinks you would get to that point and not call for help. I had no problems giving her my word, I would call for help if I needed it, I have no desire or intention to self harm, but I understand that when a person suffers from depression they are not really seeing the world as it really is and this could have some unfortunate side affects. I did let my Psychologist know that last week I considered calling and getting myself taken into hospital. There was a couple of times last week where it was extremely hard to keep myself together.

Talking of keeping myself together, earlier today I was trying to think how I actually feel so that I could explain it to my Psychologist. The only way I could describe it is… if you have seen Terminator 2 (I think) where they spray the Terminator with Liquid Nitrogen and he is frozen and then when he is shot he shatters into pieces. That’s how I feel that if there was a little push, I would shatter everywhere but I would melt and re-create myself again.



About malensteptoe
I am work for one of Australia's big 4 banks in the System Admin Team. I am also a mental health sufferer. Currently diagnosed with OCD, MDD, Panic Disorder, Anxiety Disorder, Agoraphobia and Trichotillomania. I also write books and a blog. I am an advocate for change of the view towards mental health sufferers. We can and are beneficial people in society, with much to offer and contribute. We are not all violent, actually the percentage of violent tendencies in the mentally ill and those without mental illness are no different. You may work with someone right next to someone with mental illness and never know. So maybe it's time to re-evaluate your opinions?

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