A moment of peace would be nice


Today seems to be one that is going to be quite hard to get through. My sleeping has been pretty horrid of late. I wake up every couple hours through the night, but I fall asleep pretty quickly. I woke up at 5:30 this morning and after 1/2 hour of dosing on an off I gave up and got out of bed. I normally wouldn’t need to get up until 7:30ish as I dont start work until 9, but I was awake and over trying to sleep so I got up and went to work early, got there at 7:30.
Thankfully work is pretty flexible and I will be able to leave early as a result, so long as there is no meetings and what I need to do today is done.
From the moment I woke today I have not been in a good mood. I have struggled all day. I feel like there is absolutely no hope for me to actually feel content let alone happy. Thinking last night about what I would do if I wasn’t the way I am hasn’t helped I don’t think. Made me realise what it is I am missing out on somewhat.
I feel absolutely miserable, I keep tearing up and feeling like I am going to burst out in tears, which of course I dont want to do at the best of times let alone when I am at work. Probably doesn’t help that I had a shitty sleep and am tired. I really just wish it would all fuck off, everything. My head is swimming in thoughts of suicide. I want to go home, curl up in a ball and pretend nothing exists. I want to hide away from everyone and everything. I want to be invisible, hidden safely away somewhere where no one can see me, hear me or touch me.
As much as I want to go home right now I am unsure if that is a wise thing. Will that just re-enforce the depression, am I safe to be alone? I have the Crisis line number, which I keep considering calling. As much as I don’t like the idea of being put in hospital, nor the idea that I wouldn’t be able to sleep at home or go home if I needed too I wonder if it would actually help me. If what ever they do for you while you are there would actually get my head right or if they just hold on to you until your no longer a threat to yourself or others. Not that I believe I am a threat to myself at all to others, though that being said if I was to try and off myself in a car accident I suppose thats what they mean by a threat to others, not necessarily that I want to hurt anyone or get in a fight etc.
The feeling of hopelessness and despair seems to be quite difficult for me to combat today. Im really struggling with it, to be around others, not to shake, not to cry, not to anything other than my job. Im struggling to focus and to concentrate on anything, though I am getting through what I need too today.
I just wish this feeling would fuck off and let me get on with my life. Leave me alone, stop bombarding my thoughts with bullshit, let me be at peace, let me be, even for a moment, happy.
When the Psychologist asked me how I was doing last night I said “I have good days and bad.” But I then corrected myself, you say that to anyone but I realised I had to be fully honest and said “I have good hours, and bad days.” Most days of late have been horrible but I get a couple hours every now and then to have a break. Today, today doesn’t seem like I am going to get even a few minutes.

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About malensteptoe
I am work for one of Australia's big 4 banks in the System Admin Team. I am also a mental health sufferer. Currently diagnosed with OCD, MDD, Panic Disorder, Anxiety Disorder, Agoraphobia and Trichotillomania. I also write books and a blog. I am an advocate for change of the view towards mental health sufferers. We can and are beneficial people in society, with much to offer and contribute. We are not all violent, actually the percentage of violent tendencies in the mentally ill and those without mental illness are no different. You may work with someone right next to someone with mental illness and never know. So maybe it's time to re-evaluate your opinions?

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