Only action give thoughts power


Given how I have been over the past few days today is very much a relief. While I dont feel over the moon fantastic I, in general, feel a lot better. I am having some massive mood swings however. One moment I feel ok, next, ready to cry. Not sure if this is more to do with my back than anything today, it’s pretty damn sore.
While the last few days have been some of the worst I have had for a long time and I dont want to experience them again any time soon they are not permanent. In the midst of it I did feel that I would never feel better again but the truth is those days do pass. It’s small comfort because you know that they will come again, but I have to remind myself that when they do come, they also go. I would rather they never came but little seems to be able to be done to permanently stop them, the best I can seem to hope for is that they are short lived and few and far between.
There were points over the past few days where it looked pretty fucking bleak and while the thoughts of suicide are there I would never do it. I dont want to do it and I keep reminding myself of that. When it was bad and I was worried about it, there is always the Crisis line but I found that I would just go to bed and try and sleep through the worst of it. It worked for me, especially with the sedatives I take because they really help me to fall asleep. Thats a bit hard when you are at work but I have my head phones on and listen to music while I am working, helps me remain somewhat focused on the task at hand and is easy to bring my thoughts back to the music if they drift to suicide etc.
I have received a number of comments regarding my blog and book which have been pretty positive. One of the people I work with who has been reading the book said she is finding it hard to stop reading it because it is extremely interesting, well written and grips the reader. Which is wonderful to be told. I have spent a lot of time writing the book and to be told that made it worthwhile all the effort put in.
With the blog, as well as the book, it is hard for people to comment much about it because it is very personal stuff being written about. However, I was given one of the best comments regarding the blog last night. A friend read some of my entries and said that after reading it, it made them feel much more comfortable with having the thoughts themselves. This is certainly one of the main reasons for me writing it. As I have said in the About Page, its not a whinge fest, it is for me to write about my experiences, for people to be able to read them, get an appreciation for what it is like and for sufferers that they aren’t alone and that feeling the way they do, isn’t a great thing, but it is ok to feel that way and hopefully to get some strength to push through the hard times, not to give in to the thoughts and to know that they are just thoughts, not fact, not something carved in stone, they are thoughts and only action gives power to thoughts.

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About malensteptoe
I am work for one of Australia's big 4 banks in the System Admin Team. I am also a mental health sufferer. Currently diagnosed with OCD, MDD, Panic Disorder, Anxiety Disorder, Agoraphobia and Trichotillomania. I also write books and a blog. I am an advocate for change of the view towards mental health sufferers. We can and are beneficial people in society, with much to offer and contribute. We are not all violent, actually the percentage of violent tendencies in the mentally ill and those without mental illness are no different. You may work with someone right next to someone with mental illness and never know. So maybe it's time to re-evaluate your opinions?

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