Where did the joy go?

Where did the joy go? Woke up this morning after a really decent sleep. Only woke up once and slept through the rest of the night. Very unusual but so so good. When I got up I was pretty happy, felt pretty positive. First time in a long time I havent felt like crying while driving to work. The morning was great, my brain seemed to be on the same playing field as me. Things at work made sense without having to fight for it too. Was awesome. Then for what ever reason it gets to around 1:30ish and it was as if I was walking and fell down a well. Im back to feeling like crying, my head and I are fighting about what to actually think about. Stomach is in knots again and I just want to go back to bed and hide away from the world again.

Its total bullshit. I mean how hard is it to have a day where I feel ok that I am alive? It was really nice to have that feeling this morning though, but at the same time having a period of time where I actually feel like a “real boy” and then going back to felling like a shadow of the man I should be is really fucking hard. It’s almost like being taunted by the “good life” to just be kicked down into the mud again, with the school bully shoving your face into the dirt while mocking you with, “what you thought you could actually be normal? You thought you could feel ok? You…you thought that….. you thought like you could get better? Seriously how fucking stupid can you be?”

I dont know if that makes sense to others but its the best way I can explain how I feel right now. This morning I didnt want to be at work because I felt so good I didnt want to miss out on enjoying the feeling. Now I feel so low I dont want to be at work because I want to hide again. Why is it so fucking hard to be like…. just ok, like to get the middle ground not over the top happy and not so depressed that life seems to have little to offer to bother with it?

Its a load of shit, Im feeling down and along with that I keep feeling really frustrated. Not at anything in particular, just pissed off. I just want to throw my hands up in the air and go home. Fuck this is annoying. How can the way I feel change so dramatically and so quickly without any known external reason?? I mean if some one had come over and punched me in the face and spat in my hair, shortly after which they shat on my forehead I could kind of understand why my mood would change. But non of that happened. Nothing other than normal work, my boss is happy with what I am doing, I have chatted with some people sitting near me and that was all pleasant etc. There is no fucking reason for me to feel this pissed off, depressed, sad, angry what ever the fuck I am feeling because I seem to bounce from one type of shitty mood to another second after second. FUUUUUUUCK.



About malensteptoe
I am work for one of Australia's big 4 banks in the System Admin Team. I am also a mental health sufferer. Currently diagnosed with OCD, MDD, Panic Disorder, Anxiety Disorder, Agoraphobia and Trichotillomania. I also write books and a blog. I am an advocate for change of the view towards mental health sufferers. We can and are beneficial people in society, with much to offer and contribute. We are not all violent, actually the percentage of violent tendencies in the mentally ill and those without mental illness are no different. You may work with someone right next to someone with mental illness and never know. So maybe it's time to re-evaluate your opinions?

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