More Than Just OCD

So, I have been working with my Psychologist and my Doctor for some time now. I have had some ERP sessions, which I also took home and did there as well. I tried to expose myself to my anxieties etc as well as I could. I wanted to get rid of this shit, well as much as I could. While working with the Psychologist and the Doctor, it was decided that an evaluation by a Psychiatrist was warranted. Not to confirm if I have OCD, or Depression. These diagnoses had been made, and no one was questioning them at all. They were not terribly concerned about my medications as they were under control. What the concern was, is that my mental health issues may not just be limited to OCD and Depression. My Psychologist was not sure if I suffered from Social Anxiety, or some other illness, but was concerned that there was far more to it than OCD and Depression, and we both thought that it would be beneficial to confirm if there was more to it. Not just for the sake of it, not to apply another “Label”, if there is another mental illness, this needs to be taken into account when treating me for OCD, and it may also be necessary for me to have treatment for that as well.

The whole, don’t let someone put a label on you thing, bugs the shit out of me. I don’t want a label, I don’t want a stigma attached to me. I want to know what is wrong with me, what I can do to make my life better. Would you say to someone who goes to hospital because they have a broken leg, and gets a cast put on, but while being treated for the broken leg, the doctor says I think you might have cancer, we should check you out further “Don’t do it, its just a doctor wanting to give you a Label”, or “The doctor is just saying Cancer because its just the “in” illness”. It might seem that just because there is no blood test or something that there is no way to be sure, how can they diagnose something they cant test for? Its all just new age mumbo-jumbo, and doesn’t have any basis in “real” medical science.

There is extensive research and evidence to support how real Mental Illness is. What boggles my mind is that a person can get a cold, and this is totally acceptable. A person can get high blood pressure, and this is acceptable. There is lists miles long of physical ailments, but our brains, they don’t get sick, right? The human brain is one of the most complex things in the whole of existence. There is nothing quite like it, man made or not. Think about some of the most powerful computers ever made, the human brain can put them to shame in nanoseconds. But, no way can it break down, or get sick, or do something it shouldn’t. No, that’s not possible, or at least if it is only if there are physical evidence. You know like a nail in the brain, or one side of the face droops. Get a grip, really, you truly think something as complex and so amazing as the human brain, cant have issues, or that they are only labels.

There is so little known about the human brain, there is so little known about why or what even happens in the brain to cause people to have mental health issues. There is so little known about why some people are smart, and other arent, why some people think one way and others think another. There are more questions about the human brain than there is answers for them. But this was the case hundreds of years ago about the human body. One day they might have tests, or know why this happens or that happens in a brain, but for now they treat symptoms as best they can.

Anyhow, little rant. So my Psychologist wanted me to see a Psychiatrist, always thought there was like this barrier between Psychologists and Psychiatrists, like neither liked the approach of the other, or one was better than the other or something. I dunno, but I always thought there was a little war between them. So when the recommendation was made by my Psychologist I was pretty surprised. While my Psychologist had her own thoughts about possible other issues, like Social Anxiety Disorder initially, she started to lean away from that as our sessions went on. There is a great deal of difficulty determining what is associated to OCD, or Depression, and what is not, and of those which are not, what is the reason for them. I have issues with people in general, I am not a social person, I much prefer solitude, it is not that I am afraid being around them. I don’t want to be around them, I don’t see the point, in general, there are some people who I don’t mind being around, or don’t tolerate being around more than others. But when you have OCD, and depression, is this associated to these illnesses or another illness. Is it an anxiety issue, or a personality disorder. It is hard to determine these things. This is the reason for the referral to see a Psychologist, not only can they talk about these things, but they can discuss, and look into possible physical issues which may cause Psychological issues.

There has been many suggestions as to what my underlying issue is, ranging from Asperger’s to High Functioning Autism, to all sorts of others. Whilst these suggestions are generally made by non-professionals, there are aspects of my personality, and mental way that my has made my Psychologist say that she can see traits of some of these things as well. When we were discussing possibilities, not that she was trying to diagnose, but general discussion, I said that while researching OCD, Depression and Personality Disorders, I came across a disorder called Schizoid Personality Disorder (SPD). At the time I had been researching anything and everything I could find to try and find something I could relate too. As I have said, I am on a quest trying to discover who I really am. It might seem weird, given that I know I have OCD, and Depression etc, but this is not who I am, this is part of who I am. I am on this journey of self discovery, as many people are on, not so I can get a bunch of diagnosis’s of illnesses and disorders, but so I can know who I am despite all these things. What makes me, me. What makes me actually happy, not what should make me happy. What fulfils me as a person, not what should fulfil me. Not what society dictates, not what family expects, not what people around me want, but me, the real me.

When I started to read about SPD, it was the first time I have read something that actually made sense to me, I felt a connection to what the description of the disorder was. It actually made me feel somewhat…. Better. Now, to be clear I am not self diagnosing, I am not saying that I definitely have SPD. I also know it is rather rare, and the actual likely hood of me being right is pretty slim. There are plenty of other options it could be, it could be nothing wrong at all (though I highly doubt this), it could be other personality disorders or mental disorders, or it could just be plain old arseholeitis. What ever it is, it is time for me to find out.

For a good part of the day I have been obsessed with the decision of going to my friends place for a barbeque tomorrow. This is something most people would not think about much, either they decide to go if they have nothing else on, or they decide not to go because they have something else on. For me, this can be an extremely difficult decision. Its not that I don’t like to see my friend, or spend time with him and his family. I do, or he wouldn’t be my friend. Thing is, that I had no plans to go anywhere, I had no plans for that day at all. Logically, there is no reason why I cant go, or even to a degree why I wouldn’t want to go. See some friends, have a meal, a couple of drinks an nice afternoon. Thing is, this is the problem. Do I want to spend a day of my long weekend with other people, when I could spend it alone at home. So far this weekend, I have ventured out of my house twice, both times for about 10-15 minutes, to go to the shop and buy some groceries. That’s it. I have said barely a word to anyone, I have had a good part of 2 whole days with pretty much no interaction with anyone except myself, and it has been wonderful. I love it, I adore my time alone with my thoughts and no one else. To be completely frank about it I would love to have what I need delivered to my door once every couple of days, the guy drops it off and fucks off, and I pick up what I have ordered. I speak to no one, and deal with no one. Occasionally I would go see my parents, and Josh but other than that nothing. I would be happy to work from home.

I am not a lazy person, I enjoy working. When I am not working, I am writing, not just this book but I am working on 7 or 8 others currently. My flat is always clean, I cook most of my own meals, very little take away. I don’t exercise much, primarily because I spend my time cleaning, and writing, but also after I have spent time cleaning and working adding exercise to the daily activities, my back would struggle to be ok with that. Wether it would, or wouldn’t, if I lost weight it would be easier, and less painful, but I am quite scared of hurting or aggravating my back, and that does hinder me from exercising. But what I am saying is that I do not avoid going out to see friends etc because I am lazy.

One of the main problems I actually had with going to the barbeque was, not that I would see my friend, but it was a barbeque, there would be more than him, his family and myself. While I know the other people, or at least most of them, that were going to be there, and its not that I don’t like them, or anything. But that is a) a lot of people, more than 3 or 4 is a lot in my books, and b) that is a very high probability for me to be completely bored and to struggle with the normalities of interacting with others.

If I am going to be talking to someone, interacting with them I want to, I need to be talking about something intellectually stimulating, something I am interested in, a conversation, or discussion which I find beneficial in some way. Everyone of us, acts only according to our best interests, wether it be knowingly or unknowingly. Many people find it hard to admit this as well, because it makes people feel that they are being selfish, disingenuous or deceitful. Whilst, there is an element of this which may be true, it is a basic, primal instinct or drive which we all have. If we did not act in our own self interest, and only in the interest of others, you would book yourself into the morgue and let them harvest organs, blood etc for transplant into other, or we would work for free, to benefit society, or others in some way.

We may not like this basic truth, particularly if you are the type of person who is a care giver, looks after someone etc, you may not like to do this all the time, it is a sacrificial life in many ways. However, it benefits you, it makes you feel better about yourself, or at least less guilty. There is a benefit, it may not be a great benefit, it might not always be financial, or an obvious benefit, but it is there.

There is a lot about interpersonal interactions and relationships that I don’t either struggle with or I simply don’t get. Things like normal, every day chit chat, the small talk, the niceties etc. I don’t understand why people desire them, why they get offended when they are not adhered too. When someone says “how are you?” when you arrive to work, or meet somewhere etc, they don’t want to know the real answer, they have already switched off, waiting for the turn to reply with something like “Im ok” or what ever. There is no meaning, nothing to this nicety, why, why do people insist on it? I don’t get it, I cant be bothered with it half the time, and the only time I do is to placate the other person. Discussing the same things with the same person or people drives me up the wall, it makes me very agitated. Reality is that I much prefer to be alone, at home. Its not that I don’t like people, there is a bit of that, but primarily I see little point or value in relationships, of any sort, including romantic or sexual.

There will be people who might find this offensive, question why they arent good enough, or think that I believe I am better than them. Nothing is further from the truth. While I have a saying, that “Everyone is a Moron, until proven otherwise.” This also applies to myself. I don’t think that I am better than anyone else, nor less than anyone else. I just don’t get the same pleasure, or benefit that most do through normal human interaction. In fact it is often the reverse. Most people enjoy hanging out with others, and leave feeling more energetic, more fulfilled, better than they did. For me, spending time with others tends to leave me exhausted, worn out, while time alone, I feel more rejuvenated, happier, better than before. It is hard to explain without people feeling like I am being rude, or nasty, but I am honestly not. Its not that I care if you feel like I am, but I do care that I am not miss understood. My psychologist asked me once how I view other people, and my reply was “that they are over there” pointing in one direction, “and I am over here”, pointing to the other. Its not that I am on a higher, or lower level, we are all on the same level, its just that we are in different places. Now, my Psychiatrist asked me what thought of other people, my reply to that was “An inconvenience”. Its not so much that any particular person is inconvenient or anything, its that they desire interaction, have needs etc, and I really cant be arsed, or more so there is minimal point, or purpose in the interaction.

Let me reiterate I don’t think I am superior to others, I don’t think I am less superior than others. I am just different to others, and others are different to me. We all have our journey, we all have our path and our positives and negatives, but at the end of the day none of that makes me better than you or you better than me. Truth is we are all morons in our own way and we are all brilliant geniuses in other ways. When working around people I often feel that I am surrounded by morons, and often will say words to that effect. But what I am saying is that those around me do not understand, do not fit within my field of understanding or within my spectrum of knowledge. I don’t know if the person I call a moron today, might end up being one of the great minds of our life time, or if they create works of art which inspire thousands. But from my vantage point they are at that time moronic, but that is not to say they should be discarded, but to say that I see no purpose in an ongoing dialogue with that person. Recently at work I was praised for some work I had done, and it was brought up regarding the number of awards I have received as a result of my work. I replied saying “that it not hard to find the nut in a pile of shit”. And this is really how I see it, yes I have done something that will save money, time and improve productivity, but I am still just a nut in a pile of shit. I am still going to be flushed down the toilet like the rest of the crap, but for a brief moment I might stand out for a bit. I am neither happy nor sad that I have stood out for a moment, or that I will soon take the inevitable journey to shitsville. I do not see that what I have done is really worth mentioning, yet I am content to allow others to mention it, if in doing so they take pleasure in it. I do not need to, I do resent being expected to do so, but none the less, a nut in a pile of shit is only noticed for a second, and then it disappears under sheets of paper and a streams of water. This is not a sad thing, nor a thing that I should feel any different about. There are few great people whose name lives for eternity, and even if they do their accomplishments are only a memory. Many people have shaped our society, technology, and our futures yet, despite these accomplishments they are still dead. They are unable to improve upon them further, we are unable to discuss with them their inventions or thoughts. In the end they are still just a nut in a pile of shit, shit is shit, made up of many things. If a nut stands out, should it be revered more than the shit itself? Should we take the nut out of the shit and immortalise it on top of the cistern? Nope, flush away, and think for a moment, “Wow, thats was a big nut.”

There are other issues with interpersonal relationships that I have. One being I cant stand being bored, not even a little bit. I have to be occupied, I have to entertained with something stimulating. If the conversation isnt interesting, if I already have been through the discussion, if I have made a decision regarding what should happen, or the best solution I struggle, im bored. I don’t handle boredom well, it irritates the shit out of me, but what I find not boring, is relatively limited, and people, generally are not one of the things I find interesting.

The other part of interpersonal relationships which I don’t do well is the emotional connections, the things with depth, and meaning. Some people may find this difficult to believe about me because they would feel that we have had deep and meaningful conversations in the past. Its not that I struggle with the conversation, I can show empathy, I can seem caring, and understanding. Its all tone and facial expressions. But people getting too close to me emotionally, I don’t handle that well. Even though I may talk about things to people which to them will appear to be deep, but what I am talking about is stuff I have already dealt with, or stuff from years ago. Rarely I discuss things that are happening now, though I have started to do so in relation to my mental health issues. I use sarcasm, and humour to keep people at arms length, I control the discussion because I am keeping it light and easy, I am steering the conversation away from anything to deep and personal, or anything basically I don’t want to talk about. I tend to manipulate conversations away from these things through what ever method will work.
So the dilemma, do I go risking there being other people invited, that I will be stuck in a non-sense-qual , boring and shallow range of discussions with people I tolerate for no other reason than to placate my friend. Put on the mask of someone who gives a shit? Or do I stay home, by myself, enjoying the company which is my brain? At the moment, the company of my brain is the more desirable option. And I know, those of you reading this are thinking, hes an arsehole, how self absorbed, cold hearted can someone be. Truth be told I couldn’t give a shit what you think about this, or any other thing I do, say or think. My friend means a lot to me, he is the one person outside my family who has stuck with me despite any circumstance. He knows if he really needs me he need only ask and I will drop everything to be by his side. But this does not diminish my desire to be alone. The simple fact that I am considering this, and that it causes me so much inner turmoil shows that I hold him in greater esteem than any other person outside my immediate family, because right now if anyone else asked me to come around for lunch I would not hesitate to say no, and this is part of the reason my psychologist wants me to be assessed. I know it, she knows it. It isnt normal for people to seek absolute solitude continuously. I have no desire for relationships, including partners. I am not a homosexual, but I really wouldn’t class myself as straight either. I can appreciate the physical form of a female, however, I don’t get the normal feelings of wanting a relationship with them. I see no point, no benefit, no positives in having, or desiring one. The concept of pairing with another, is such a baffling thing to me. No I do not want to be attached to another human being for the remainder of my days, or any period of time wether short or long. No I do not want to have children. Beings dependant on me for all their needs, wants and desires until they reach maturity, and even then they will still drain me of me, and from me. To constantly need to give emotional, physical and psychological support to another and in return get the same does not seem desirable to me.

You may think that I do not have any desire because I havent had a girlfriend, or because I have self-esteem issues and I hide behind a lack of desire. I don’t think I have any self-esteem issues, I know I am a large fella, not the best looking etc. Do I care, ummmm no, no I honestly don’t. I have no issues with the way I look at all. I have had a couple of girlfriends, in the past. But more so because this is what I believed we had to do, I mean part of life is to marry and procreate. While I enjoyed their company, it wasn’t something I believed truly that I wanted forever. Did I love them, I honestly don’t know, its hard to say. Im not even sure I know, or understand the emotion.

What is love. The english language uses the word love to mean many things, however in the context that I am writing now I mean the love felt between 2 people who are not biologically connected. Love is, well I am not sure, but my understanding of the word or experience is an unintelligible desire to co-exist with another for perceived mutual and beneficial purposes and/or gain. This inherently means that the person for which the feeling, or desire of the feeling of love is in need of such mutual and/or beneficial gains. This I do not understand. Socially we are manipulated into thinking that without our “perfect” mate we are destined to live a miserable and lonely life. For me this is not the case at all. I am more fulfilled as a person when alone. I am able to do as I like, I have no feeling compelling me to consider the desires or wants of another person, and I am more content to live that way than to seek out another person who I am able to tolerate on such a level as to “share my life with them”. This is another statement in relations to relationships which I do not understand. Why the fuck do I want to share my life with another. Do they have so little of their own life that they need to take of mine. But some would reply, you will in return get to share in their life. What if their life is boring, or it sucks? Do I get to hand over my life, which is not boring and in return get the shit bit? Besides, when I have my own life, and it is mine, why would I want to share in someone elses? The other aspect of this, is given my physical and mental issues, would I share this with them? Or do I ignore that and only share the good sides of my life? Or do I share all aspects of my life? To me any answer above is seriously selfish, give them all for their support? Give them bad for their support? Give them good and deny them the opportunity to support? Personally, I dont feel like I need anyone elses support other than my own. The GP’s, Psycologist, and/or Psychiatrist I see, I dont see for support but for answers, and understanding how to manage my situation, not for a shoulder to cry on, not for someone to hold my hand. I see them for information, in return they get paid. It is a straight forward, and simple exchange. The whole relationship thing, it isnt a straight forward and simple exchange. I dont feel that I need anything from them, where as they will want, desire or need something from me that I am not willing, or unable to give.

The crux of the whole love thing is people want it because they want to feel better about themselves. They want security, when they are down they want to know for sure, someone will be there to pick them up, and that’s fine for them. It is not a weakness, it doesnt make them any less important or worthwhile than me, nor does it make them any better than me. It makes them different to me, and thats fine.

Yes I do say things like “that it not hard to find the nut in a pile of shit” or “Everyone is a moron until proven otherwise” and similar thing. And yes I do receive a considerable amount of feedback regarding the way I talk, the topics of my discussions and the manner in which I present my thoughts. As much as possible I do try to curb what I say into a more pleasing form for others so that they may digest what I am saying without first having to hurdle the objections they have regarding the manner in which I have said it, and I have become quite adept in doing so. However this is very draining on me to do this. Constantly thinking about what I am saying, how I am saying and the reaction I am seeing as I say it. Over the past few years I have been less inclined to concern myself with the delivery in which I present my thoughts and myself as I once was. However, there are times when it is necessary that I speak in a manner which is more pleasing to the recipient because if I do not I would not have a job. At work I am very cautious about what I say, and not being mis-understood. I have to wear my mask to ensure my ongoing employment so that I may continue to meet the expenses of life. This being said I am not always successful and there are sometimes ramifications to my lack of success. Which I think may be part of the reason as to why I desire to know if there is an underlying mental illness that is as yet undiagnosed, so that when I am not successful in portraying myself in a manner in which those around me find pleasing it can be attributed to this illness rather than me having a behavioural issue.

There is much that I leave unsaid as I am aware that there is no real forum in which to say these things without serious consequences to my way of life. The possible (likely) ramification that someone will be offended, or object to what I say does not concern me however. It is their ability to impinge on my life which is of concern to me more than anything, and the requirement that I may have to explain myself so as to maintain the status of an employee or member of society. The thing is I do not see the world as many others do. The world around me is mealy a labyrinth of equations to be solved, and in reality it is for everyone. The difference here between myself and most others is that I am not concerned if the answer to the equation is one that I will find palatable. For instance, if we look at the world on a whole currently we are unable to maintain the population as it is. Situations in third world countries are unlikely to be resolved in a morally acceptable way, so instead we preserver in an ongoing quest in futility. Yes if all the worlds resources were to be pooled together we could cease the global destruction through starvation. However, the whole world would be financially crippled because instead of a percentage of the population starving, we would have global population that is barely eating sufficiently to maintain their own health. The strain to the health services would be immense, and instead of sections of the population dying of starvation we would have countless people sick unable to be productive. Globally we would come to a stand still. Economically we would decline and eventually we would all suffer as a result. I know this is easy for me to say because I havent seen it first hand, I havent watched a child die from hunger blah blah blah. This is where the equation causes people to dislike it, so they place blinkers on themselves so they can not see the answer to the problem. Please dont read into this that I think genocide is the right or best answer to starvation, but if asked it would have to be something considered rather than ignored due to the moral or ethical standards we impose upon ourselves. Could we build a more sustainable, robust society by reducing the population of said society? Do I think we have the right to make that decision? Not really. But take out the moral and ethical implications, there is some validity.

Every society has developed a set of principles on which their understanding of right and wrong, good and bad, moral and immoral is predicated on. The thing here is that all these are subjective, and built upon the emotional responses to situations that are deemed acceptable. What is good or bad evolves over time based on the general concensus of the society you are apart of. Though out history things which we would now say are completely immoral were common place, they were deemed acceptable by society. As a collective, the attitude towards these things have changed for what ever reason. Take away the social constructs which you have been force fed since birth, look at all the available information, remove your emotional response. If you remove or minimise your emotional response it is less likely to be played upon. When America invaded Iraq, there were many reasons they did so, but what was portrayed as the reason was what would give the desired emotional response. There were weapons of mass distruction, we wanted to control the oil, we wanted to take out Saddim Hussain, what ever the real reason, take out the reasons for it, look at the human life toll, not just the toll on westerners, the number of people who died, who’s homes were destroyed etc in Iraq is staggering. Look at both sides of the equasion. Was America right in invading, did Iraq have the right to have these weapons? Control of the Oil what ever. On both sides of the equation they were both in the right. They both did what they believed at the time to be best for them, or for those in control.

When invaded America “Liberated” Iraq? America liberated people from what they deemed as morally or ethically wrong. But in reality they were ensuring their own security, which they are right to do so, so to are those who believe that America has not Liberated Iraq, but conqured them and want their country back. It might seem like I am not taking sides, and that I dont have an opinion, but I do. Take away moral and ethical views, emotional response, desire for power and the world would be different to what we have now. Effectively, war is about imposing your rule, your society, your morals and ethics on another country who views things differently.

So why is this important? I have the same view in day to day life. I do not feel compelled to act or react according to social norms or nicities. If I was asked if I would like to do something which I did not but it was the social norm to do it, I would not feel compelled to follow the social norm and do it, I would say No I do not want to do this. There was a late luncheon at work the other day to celebrate the completion of a project in which I assisted. I was not overly eager to attend however, I decided I would as it was at that stage not far from work, and once I had completed the requirements of the social interaction and obligations I would be free to return to work or go home. However, on the day the plans changed, the luncheon was brought forward to midday, and was to be in the city, a bit of distance from work, and quite close to home. By the time I had done what I would be expected to do and return to work there would be little time to do anything before I would leave again for home. When asked if I was still going to join them I responded by saying that it was somewhat undesirable. Which I thought was a nice way of saying that I did not want to attend. The person who had asked me along replied, your about as subtle as a brick to the back of the head. From this I inferred he thought I was being somewhat rude in my response. It didn’t bother me, I returned to my work, and carried on until knock off time.

When it was nearby there was a benefit in attending. It would be good for my job, I would be able to meet the social and professional obligations with minimal interference to my life. However, as the plans changed the interference grew, the benefits no longer outweighed the costs, so I did not see the point in attending. Had it been told to me earlier in the week I may have made up some hours, or started earlier so that once my obligations were met I could go home. But only if that did not cause me too much change to my routine, nor cause me to find day to day life more difficult.

On a similar occasion the gathering was near my desk, it was a birthday celebration for a staff member. It wasnt too far out of my way to attend, so I did so. I went, listened while they sang, etc. I showed up long enough to not appear like a complete bastard. However, it took about 2 seconds after the songs etc were complete, that I turned to my manager and said “Im bored now” and went back to work.

I have thought a bit about the whole concept of light and darkness over the past few days, particularly in relation to my life and my journey . The social construct is that light is the side of good, whilst darkness is the side of evil. More and more I find the concepts of good and evil, right and wrong, etc to be difficult to understand. I have lived my life trying to adhere to what I have been taught it right and good even though I didn’t really understand why it was right or wrong. However, as I walk along my journey the constructs around me which determine right and wrong, good and evil seem to be restraining me, opposing me, denying me the next step, holding me back from understanding the truth, the reality around me, without constructs, without walls of the mind. A construct, social, moral, etc is like wall made of painted paper. It may look like a wall, it may seem that it is unable to be passed, but as you get closer to it, you see that it is just paper with come paint. You see that it is not a wall that can not be moved, or passed through, you see it for what it is, a barrier which if poked will split, if pushed will crumble. People around us will not like that we have poked a hole or pushed aside the construct. Even though they can see through to the other side, they are so invested in the concept that it is part of that which defines who they are.

I am not saying that we should push down every wall, that the constructs are not to be adhered to, and that for the sake of shaking things up we should do the opposite of the constructs. This is by no means what I am saying. But what I am saying is that we can look beyond the walls, we must understand for our selves what or why the construct exists, and determine for ourselves if they are that which we believe and should adhere to. Many of our beliefs, what we determine as moral, just, right, wrong etc are passed to us by religions. People who don’t believe in God etc for the most part adhere to many of the laws of the God in that area of the globe.

For me I do not see the right and wrong, good and bad etc that most see. I don’t look at a death of a loved one as bad, I see it as a death, neither good nor bad but part of life. I don’t see many things the same way others do. The point of this is that darkness is neither good nor evil, and light is neither good nor evil. Darkness is darkness, and light is light. I do not seek the light anymore, I wish only to discover who I am within the darkness of existence, and to allow the light attend to itself. I am not opposed to finding the light, so much as I do not seek it in as much to cover the darkness. That is to say I do not look for the light to escape the darkness. When one has found themselves and understood themselves surrounded by darkness, without any external factors one can say that I truly know who I am, and from that revelation the light is no longer a force which covers the darkness but shines from within us.

I may have not yet discovered who I am, I am getting a better idea but I am still on a journey. I dont know if you every really understand or know who you are. But I firmly believe that we should continue to discover who we are, and be content with the person we understand ourselves to be at any point but still continue to persue to improve upon that understanding, and develop in to what we aspire to be without the implied requirements put upon us by our society. To decide for ourselves what we believe, what we agree with, what we disagree with, what we want to do with our lives, in short who we want to be. However, this cant be used to give us the liberty to take from those around us, their lives, their decisions, their beliefs and choices.

Currently I am in a position where I am coming to acknowledge this fact that I have no idea who I am, or what I wish to be. I understand now that I have lived my life in darkness, I am surrounded by it, unable to see my own hand in front of my face, let alone the path which is before me. I have stumbled around groping for meaning, for understanding for knowledge and only finding emptiness and fear. I have accepted what others have said about me as it being what I am. But these are only voices in the dark, these are not revelations of myself. I believe now that I am beginning to accept that I am in darkness, but this in itself is not a bad thing. Many people would teach that this is bad, many people due to the that which they have been taught would believe that this is evil, and wrong, not only to be in darkness but to proclaim that this is not a bad thing. I am not saying that it is good, just that it is not bad, to know that you are in darkness. What now, Im not looking for light, Im still groping in the darkness, I cant see who I am because I am in darkness. Its time to stop trying to see who I am on the outside, its time to really know who I am.

I grew up in a Christian household. I was taught from the bible and taught to understand the bible. Whilst I have been thinking about the concept of light and darkness, something occurred to me. The bible teaches that before the world existed there was darkness, the earth was without shape and void. It occurs to me that darkness is the only thing in Christian belief that was not created, and it was in fact from this all was created. It is where everything began. I am not aware of any religion or belief system that darkness was created, or evolved. It has always been there, it is ever present, and undeniable part of existence. All which has come after it only serves to cover it, to hide it. We should not fear the darkness, we should embrace the darkness, as it is and discover our true selves within the darkness so that the light does not hide the darkness but exposes the beauty within it.

So how does this tie in with the theme of this book. Well like many sufferers of OCD, much of it for me is rooted in moral, ethical and religious teachings and understandings. Believing that I am evil due to some of the thoughts I have. Many of the thoughts which caused me pain and anxiety related to chopping people up with knives, or swords. They related to killing and causing suffering to others. It was not subject to knowing a person, there was no feeling of knowing who it was that I was killing, or harming, it is not bound by feelings of hatred, revenge or desire to kill. Within the thoughts I killed and harmed others, no one in particular. Biblically I was taught what a man think-ith so he is. The thoughts I had were disturbing, I disliked them and as I say there was no desire for me to actually do them. None the less, they were powerful. I cant really explain it but it was almost like I was there doing these acts. As I have said previously it was as if I could feel the blood splatter across my face, feel it run down my arms. I could sense the fear within the victim, though they never screamed or said anything. The feeling which came over me whilst I had these thoughts was extremely strong and the senses which accompanied them also as strong. I started to feel evil inside, I felt that I should be cast aside from society, locked away for my protection and the protection of others.

I had, had these thoughts for many years, and for sometime was attending church, I was a leader, involved in ministry and leadership. The contradiction between the thoughts and what I was taught was right became to great for me to bear, and eventually I left church as a result. Believing that I should no longer be apart of this group as despite all that I did, the prayers I offered etc I was unable to escape from the evil within me, and therefore I was evil, and outside of God’s forgiveness and grace. Of course this was before I was to discover that I had OCD, and this was apart of this illness. I was convinced at the time that the evil was all around me, and within me, and I was not able to escape from it, and that evil permeating from within me. I felt this because of the religious constructs which I had been taught were right still held me within the grasp. Since receiving treatment, and coming to understand OCD I have found that these thoughts do not inherently make me evil. I now do not see these things as evil, wrong, abominations, I don’t see them as good either. They are just apart of me. I have come to accept this as part of what makes me, me. Not that I truly know who I am but I it is becoming more defined, nor that I look to have these thoughts, or do not try to stop having them. But I no longer get wrapped up in guilt, in fear, or with anxiety if I have them. If they were to become intense, and over powering again I would discuss this with those who are treating me.

It is also important to be aware that I am not saying that I no longer belive in God, or in my Christian beliefs, I am more aware of my beliefs, my interpretations, what I accept from others interpretations etc. I dont not think that what I am saying within these pages are inheritantly anti-religion, nor are they anti-establishment. I am also not saying that all my thoughts are right, and everyone should adopt them as their own. They are my thoughts and opinions at the time of writing. Thoughts and opinions change, grow, evolve over time and I am also sure that these will to. But in the context of what I am writing about, this is apart of how I view the world, and therefore apart of my interpretation, and interaction with the world around me. This then influences my personality, my treatments, how I experience the symtoms of OCD, Depression etc. With many books I have ready regarding OCD, or depression etc it is something that is often not discussed, the main theme of the book be it OCD or Depression or what ever is the only thing discussed in the book. The Author sticks to the main theme only, they may discuss aspects of life in relation to the main theme, but it limits the understanding of the theme. For me, with this book I really am wanting and trying to show how mental health issues can influence all aspects of life, either for the better or not, in large or small ways. I am not blaming my mental health issues for my personality, but that being said I am not saying my personality is inappropriate or wrong. Its a personality, which has external influences, along with internal influences. Having OCD, and Depression will affect a persons personality. If you know someone with a mental health issue, wether it be OCD, Depression what ever, this will inevitably affect them, their personality, how they view, interperate and interact with the world around them, people around them. Your own mental state affects these things too, but due to these mental health issues, the perception of their world is hindered, altered, contorted within the confines of their disorder, this will then, as it must, influence their interpreation and interaction with said world. You might feel like, say your son or daughter is interacting with you, with people at school or wherever inappropriately, but if they are someone who experiences OCD, you need to consider how this influences their perceptions. It doesnt mean that the interactions are ok, or should be overlooked. They should be treated, monitored etc, but your interactions with them as a result of these influences needs to be balanced and understanding of their perceptions whilst the person is treated. If you are concerned about someone whom you are responsible for, or are in a relationship wth and notice that their interactions are abnormal, you may suggest that they should seek professional help. Dont read this as, you and another person dont get on they must have a mental health issue, you might, so use common sense when considering discussing it with someone. What I am saying is, if your child gets up in the morning and goes through his or her room and has to touch everything in it before they do anything, dont yell at them, telling them to stop being stupid etc. It may be peculiur behavior, it might be more subtle, but consider that your child, your friend, your partner, might not be doing something to piss you off, to waste time etc, they may be experiencing the afects of a mental health issue, and if they are yelling at them, calling them stupid etc wont actually resolve it, it will more likely cause issues between you and the other person because now they feel that you are being unjustly aggressive or uncarring towards them, or it will cause them to bury their compulsions below the surface, hide the issues as best they can to avoid the unjustified responses to their situation. With this you should also know that I am not having a go at someone or anyone who has done these things in the past, if you do not know that the person suffers from mental health issues, they may not know either, your response may, in your view be justified. But consider how your response could affect a person with mental health issues. Say its your child, they continually do something that is abnormal, turning on a light and off again switch over and over, not just one day they do it, they do it often, or how often, or how long they do it for increases you might want to ask them why they are doing it before going bonkers at them. If they say something like, it makes me feel better, or because I have to then there might be a problem you need to get checked out. If they say, cause it annoys you, well then there might be an issue but appropriate discipline may be the correct response in that instance.

I have discussed within this book primarily OCD, OCD which has accompanying outward compulsions. There is another type of OCD, nicknamed Pure-O or POCD where there are no obvious outward compulsions. POCD is primarily the same as the more typically known OCD, however with POCD the compulsions are carried out mentally. Someone who has OCD, can also have POCD, they are not mutually exclusive. I personally experience POCD, and it has been more pronounced side of my OCD since I have changed medications etc. I have written about my suicidal thoughts, and that they may be attributed to my OCD, in this respect I would state that it would be POCD, as I have not noted outward compulsions related to the suicidal thoughts, though when I have suicidial thoughts, I go through listing off why I dont want to kill myself, who it would affect etc. You protentially may do the same thing if/when you have that odd thought of what would it be like to die, or run into that tree. You might tell yourself that the thought was nothing, or you might tell yourself that you dont want to die, you love your wife, etc, etc. But the difference with POCD, is the thought happens over and over again, you obsess about the thought, why you would have the thought, maybe you really do want to die, maybe you really want to run into that tree, off the cliff, what ever, you then start with ritualizing and neutralizing thoughts. I dont want to die, I like life, or you count to a set number, or though a set of numbers in your head. People cant see this, its much easier to hide this manisfestation of OCD, but it can be just as dibilitating, time consuming, etc as the typical form of OCD where there are outward compulsions.

There are some who believe that POCD is worse than OCD, because POCD tends to be more personal or deep seeded than OCD. This is not always the case. Also OCD and POCD can cohabitate, you can have a POCD obsession which is neutralized though thoughts, and mental rituals which also require outward compulsions, there is an argument to be made here that this would be typical OCD, or POCD Obsessions which initially are neutralized though thoughts, and mental rituals initially which develop external outward compulsions. POCD does tend to be treated slightly differently than Typical OCD, at least in a therapy setting. Treatment is still cognative behavioural therapy (CBT), like ERP (Exposure Responce Prevention) where the sufferer is exposed to their triggers though touch etc, like what I described in an earlier chapter. I have yet to have treatment for POCD, but my psycologist has explained what is involved. It is still ERP, but the difference is you vocalise the intrusive thought, and record it, to tape, or mp3 file etc and then it is replayed to you over and over again, with out the opportunity to carry out rituals etc until such time as the anxiety associated disapates without the need of rituals because you bored by the thought, or the thought no longer has the same hold over you because you have been exposed within a safe environment so much that it is no longer an issue.

As I have said before, there are many types of treatment both medication wise and therapy wise CBT/ERP has been what I have been primarily treated by, as such what I talk about. Though there are other therapies used as well, Acceptance Therapy, Cognative Therapy, associative splitting, and more. Along with medication and therapy, if these are not effective there are other treatments, suprisingly to me Electroshock Therapy is sill accepted as valid treatment for those who do not respond to Medication and/or psycotherapy (ERP, CBT etc). There are also even more invasive options, called psychosurgery, where a surgical lesion is made to the cingulate cortex. There is also Deep-Brain Stimulation and Vagus Nerve Stimulation, these do not require any permanant distruction to brain tissue. I dont mention these other treatments to scare people, but more to say that just because one, two or three types of treatment dont work, doesnt mean it is the end of the road. Now, I know I am no where near consideration for more invasive treatments, and to be completely honest, even if I was I would really, really, REALLY be desperate to even consider them. I have little going for me as it is, my brain I would consider as my best quality, and even that has limitations but I am pretty protective of anything interferring with its function. I suppose that is like anyone, but as I have spoke of the medications affect on my brain, which is not drastic, but enough to bug the shit out of me, opening it up, poking holes in it, or applying high voltage I would be very much opposed to. As I have said, I am no where near these even being an option, but very few OCD sufferers every really do get to thes point where these are the next best viable option. I am not aware of anywhere in the world, where these more invasive treatments are recommended or even considered until such time as every possible treatment other than these have been tried.

The good thing here too is, that there is some research, not enough, but some research which have given other new experimental options to treat OCD. Different medications, including psychedelics, opioids, Vitamin and mineral supplements and even inositol (a naturally occuring type of sugar) are being experimented with. Personally, the opioids does sound appealing, as it would have the benifit of lowering my pain levels as well, though having been on them previously and being addicted to them, (Treatment of my spinal injury) I know what it is like to detox from them, and that is no fun in any way shape or form, it was worse than stopping drinking, doing pot etc.

What is important to take from this is, like depression, if one treatment doesnt work, there are other treatment options, there is hope that your doctors will find a treatment, or combination of treatments which could work. And whilst it is a complete pain in the arse, time consuming, a strain both emotionally and financially it is worth it to find some relief from OCD. From what I have found through my research, I cant say that it is worth it to be cured of OCD, at this point in time, complete remission from OCD is unlikely, and quite rare, it is even uncommon to have complete symptom free periods from OCD. But OCD is managable, it is something which can be brought to levels where it does not interfer with your life, or life style to excess. What is determined as excessive is up for interpretation, but anything better than what I was going through is a good thing. Yes I have my issues with the medication, and its affects, but I am still much happier with the level of interferrance OCD has on my life than I was. Less would be nice, none would be wonderful but for now, this is better than what it was.

There are days where OCD interferes greatly, and days where it doesnt. You can, and I do go through periods of time where OCD seems to be far worse, depression deepens, it can last a day or so, or weeks. There are many reasons why this can happen, for me it can just be a bad nights sleep, or it could be added stresses at work, home etc. It can just add that little bit of anxiety, or something that just feeds your obsessions a little more can cause a whole spiral affect and next thing your cleaning for an entire weekend.

This happened to me recently, I had been doing ok, good days and bad days, but overall ok. Then for what ever reason, and I am honestly not sure what it was, though maybe was just being worn out a bit, things started to get pretty bad. I was more depressed than normal, getting to work and home again was a struggle. I was continously grumpy, I was easily agrivated, I kept having thoughts and images of hitting people at work, no one in particular, but just anyone. Again its not something you want to do, it just a thought, or an image. But for what ever reason, things were not going so well. This lasted for a few weeks, I tried to do my relaxation techniques, pushed on with ERP but eventually it was too much and I ended up spending an entire weekend cleaning my flat. Washing, re-washing, the Kitchen, lounge, and bathroom, the only rooms to miss out were the bedrooms, though the cot a bit of a tidy up. The problem with this for me other than the obvious is with my spinal injury I end up aggrivating that and end up in pain, for days. But when I get to the point where the anxiety is too much, it doesnt matter, you clean, and clean and clean, I end up in agony, but I also end up feeling relieved. It stops the anxiety right in its tracks, for a while. Does it mean I have failed, or that my treatment isnt working, no. It means, you have had a bad day, or bad period. You fail, only when you use this as an excuse to stop your treatment, to go back to letting OCD run your life. Treatment works, but it isnt without its own failings. As I have said, there isnt a ‘cure’ as such, there is just managing as best you can. Yes I was disappointed that I fell into the trap of using compulsions to mitigate the obsessions, but I press on. I learn to be more aware of how I am feeling, what is going on around me and how to avoid getting to the point where the anxiety overwhelms. It might mean that I need to take some time off work and have a break, which is what I did in this case. It might mean you have to stop pushing at work so hard. It might mean you just need to set a few hours aside to do, nothing, or to relax, what ever. You are not always going to win every battle, sometimes you have to retreat and regroup.

For me it is not just periods of time which cause me to have issues. As I have said previously, there is no ‘cure’, and periods where you are without any symptoms are rare, to say the least. Despite the medication, and ERP etc, there are elements of my OCD which continue, not always to the extent that it used to but they continue. I still have times where I get paranoid about being followed when I am driving. Thoughts go racing through your head, positive that the person behind you is out to get you, even though your sure there is no reason. But does there need to be a reason, people do crazy shit for no real reason. Or maybe I cut them off without realising I did, then the person takes a different direction, or stops or what ever. The whole time you have been getting more and more anxious, going through thoughts in your mind to stop the anxiety, or slowing down, taking different directions. Or I get paranoid that I have done something wrong at work, and things have gone to shit, and I will be blamed. So you double check, tripple check, avoid holidays whatever to make sure you are always available to fix the issues without them blowing out of proportion. You start complex systems of actioning lists, for me working with accounts I have times where I fall back into only being able to stop when on even numbers, or numbers which when added together are even numbers, so long as the origional number wasnt an odd number, and the crazyness continues.

Even with this book, which I am planning to try and get published, I constantly worry about what my family members will say, people I know, will the authorities read it and decide I shouldnt be driving, will my employer read it and decide Im too much of a nutter to remain employed by them. Dispite evidence to the contry, so I use my ERP and keep exposing myself to writing this, to researching who, where and how to get it published. But doesnt mean I dont worry, dont get anxious, dont avoid writing anything for ages, need to have a shower to calm down, etc. One of my major concerns at the moment, which I obsess about, not with compulsions so much that I am aware off, is as I am getting close to a first draft of the book, I am starting to think who I can ask to read it and give me some feedback, before I send it to a publisher to see if they will be interested in publishing. I cant ask family members, they wont be objective, what if they ask for some stuff not to be included because they are embarrassed about it, or dont want everyone to know about my problems. Maybe someone I know, what if they get offended because I dont consider them as my friend. Friends are an odd thing, everyone seems to want to be everyones friend. There is nothing wrong with being an aquantince, I have some people I know who I respect, I talk to what ever, though if I was to never see them again, I am not going to break down into a pit of missery. If my friend(s) did, I would be sad. Besides, all this, who can I ask to spend the time to read this to help me get something worth reading?

Remember that whilst I may not have obvious outward or internal compulsions OCD is an anxiety disorder, so while this may or may not be difinativly an OCD issue, it affects my OCD none-the-less. The anxiety, the obsession on these thoughts, attributed to the OCD. It causes me to feel more anxiety, therefore less able to tolerate the other symptoms of OCD meaning more inclined towards compulsions. But I continue along with this because I feel that firstly it is important, and there are elements of this which do help. Also I do actually enjoy writing, I never used to, however as I have said, I have a number of books that I have been working on, and this is primarily since I started treatment. Obviously, the issues with my OCD, when untreated, either pre-occupied my thoughts, and actions so much I was unable to realise the enjoyment I get from writting or, simply I have changed. To me it seems somewhat coincidental to be the latter.

OCD as I have said in my case brings its friend Depression, but what I should say is that OCD has some other common friends which can come along for the ride. You can have OCD along with, Generalised Anxiety Disorder, Anorexia Nervosa, Social Anxiety Disorder, Bulimia, Tourettes, Aspergers, ADHD, Compulsive skin picking, Trichotillomania, Panic Attacks, and body dysmorphia, or you can have OCD alone.

For me, I have depression, I also have Trichotillomania, though this is not overly pronounced. This is when you pull out your hair, for me it isnt the hair on top of my head. I pull out my eyebrows, eyelashes, and nasal hair mainly. I do, less often pull out or at the hair near my ears. To combat this I trim it all, I keep it trim. I make sure I can not get hold of any of the hair sufficiently to pull it out. I still tug at it, but none of it is long enough to get a sufficient grasp to pull it out. I also compulsivly chew my finger nails, not a little bit but it often leads to bleeding, on some fingers I barely have finger nails at all. My fingers tips become hardened and brittle and often I am not chewing at the nail, but as the dry, hardened skin. It is not an attractive thing, but thankfully, most people would find it hard to notice. You dont generally spend alot of time looking at peoples finger tips.

Along with these things there is reasearch which shows a link between OCD and Drug Addiction. It may be a way to cope with the anxiety, but it can also be a compulsive behaviour. For me I did drugs and alchole possibly this was earlier attempts to deal with the anxiety. But I do still smoke ciggerets. I want to give up, I dont really like it that much. But it is apart of my compulsions, which by the way I didnt recognise until recently. When I drive, I smoke, and more than normal. But I smoke the same amount each day to and from work, every day. I purchase them from the same place on the way to work with an energy drink every day. During the day I have a couple of smokes at certain intervals with in the day, and if a meeting interferres with this I get quite aggitated, not because I need the nicoteen, it has been x hours since my last one, and therefore it is time for my next one. At home it isnt so bad, I am not so anxious, I will smoke almost 1/2 as much on the weekend as I do during the week.

The other thing that should be noted, is just because someone appears to have the signs of OCD, does not mean they actually have OCD. There are other conditions which can present with similar symptoms. ADHD, PTSD, habitual issues, autism, and Obsessive Compulsive personality disorder (OCPD). The main differences between OCD and OCPD is with OCD there is anxiety, and no pleasure is taken in the obsessions or the compulsions, also with OCD you understand that the obsessions and compulsions are irrational. Where as with OCPD, there is often no anxiety, the person can take pleasure in the obsessions and compulsions, and they are generally pretty convinced, dispite what you say that it all makes sense. This is also part of the reason why addictions do not fall under the OCD banner. With an addiction there is pleasure in the activity, that isnt true in OCD. But you should be careful not to throw the baby out with the bath water here. A person can have something commonly known as an addiction, ie drugs, smoking etc and this be associated with their OCD. It depends on the motive, and the reactions to these activities. Ie, I smoke more so as it is time to do so, and/or because I need to smoke x number of smokes in the period, not because I enjoy them.

Other than this being useful information for OCD sufferers and those around them, I have include this because I have started seeing the Psychiatrist. Now as said earlier I am seeing him to consider other possible options as to why I am the way I am. Wether it be a personality disorder, another mental issue, arseitis (just being an arsehole) or what ever. So far we have had a couple of conversations, much like when I first started to see the Psycologist, we are starting to get to know one another. He needs to get some basis of my way of being, how I process thoughts, how I view the world etc before he can really start to work out what, if anything, else is wrong. This being said, he has already ruled out some of the things that were considered possible. Aspergers, High functioning Autism are off the table. Narcasim is off the table, something I wasnt even thinking was on the table, psycopath is off the table, which I am relieved about, and its proabably not something that ever had any credence. As I have said, my money is pretty much on Schitzoid Personality Disorder, partially because I feel a connection to what is described in my research. Partially, because the description makes sense to me. We have also discussed my experiences at school as being part of the reason why I prefer isolation. This has been discussed by my Psycologist as well, and the potential for me having Social Anxiety Disorder. However, I am not scared of other people, I can talk to people, lead small groups etc with no added or normal amount of extra anxiety. Being in large groups I really dont like, but that has a lot to do with being touched etc. I always like to have a way out, I drive my car when I go anywhere pretty much. I prefer to have that escape. I dont sleep anywhere apart from my own place, other than being worried about someone coming in, or stealing stuff when I am not there, there is much more to keep me entertained at my place, I dont have to worry about other people feeling that I am ignoring them etc. Also I feel safer at home, than anywhere else. The avoidance of people does have its issues, I am wearing a set of glasses which I have wanted to replace for about 10 months. Its not an issue of cost, because they are fully covered by my private health care. But someone will be very close to me, I will have to decide which glasses to buy, etc. That to me seems a little to much to handle, so its likely I will avoid this for as long as I can. I dont need stronger lenses, but I am missing one of the plastic bits that sits on your nose, and they are scratched to buggery.

In our last meeting the Psychiatrist highlighted my avoidance issues. So from this I am inferring that there is consideration of Avoidant Personality Disorder (APD). Personally I dont see this as a viable option. Yes I avoid situations, and make sure I have escape routes from these situation but with APD it is more that you are extremly sensitive to negative evaluation, feelings of being inadequate, or social inhibition. As stated I can deal with people, I can work in groups, I am not offended by negative feedback, and I would say I feel inadequate. I am happy to admit where I need to improve, where I should grow. I am a large person, I am over weight, though I am not at all bothered by it. My weight does not make me feel any less of a person, or any more. I am not anything resembling a model, and thats ok, I couldnt give a fuck. I dont care if someone looks at me, and thinks or even says what a fat ugly bastard, I make fun of my looks, and it is not a way to difuse others doing so, or hiding, again I can laugh at myself, my looks, my disorder etc. doesnt really bother me. However, it would bother me if the inflection was to hurt, or upset me, if it was said in a violent manner. I mean if someone was being a prick, well then this is a different story. So in short here, I may be someone who avoids things, even habitually, but I wouldnt say it was an avoidant personality disorder.

I just, generally cant be bothered, dont want to be around, dont like most people. Sure there are some people who are ok, some people I tolorate more than others. Some people, for the most part I would say I even like. But give me the option of being with them, even the ones I like and sitting at home with a documentry about world war 2, or what ever the documentry will likely win out more often than not. It may sound like I am an arse, and well I probably am, but the whole back and forward conversations, the small talk etc not really interested. Say that person and I were discussing the pros and cons of something interesting, or discussing the latest theory of what ever yeah I can deal and I will enjoy that. Once thats over, and the part it takes to get there, no thanks. Drives me bonkers, and generally Id rather not take the risk of getting into a conversation, hoping that it will turn into something interesting, just to end up bored shitless, and frustrated. This is why or part of the reason a relationship doesnt interest me. I mean, she could be the smartest person in the world, but eventually, she will want to talk about something that doesnt interest me, and I am likely just to get up and wonder off. Not to be rude or anything, but im bored, this provides no stimulation, not entertainment, no benifit to me at all.

There has been people who have referred to me as a combination of House (from the TV show) and Sheldon (from the Big Bang Theory), both awesome shows, which I have watched over and over again. The reference to this combination, is not unappealing, and totally understandable. I would consider myself as a rather intelligent person, not to the extent of either House or Sheldon, but they are fictional characters. I tend to be rather abrupt, unlike Sheldon, I intellectually know most social norms, I just dont see the benefit for a lot of them. I have to remember, to mentally trigger myself to say hello to people in the morning, or when I walk up to talk to them. In the mornings, Im not terribly interested in what they did on the weekend, how they are, what ever, no one really is but its the social norm, its being polite. Fuck it, be polite to me, say something interesting, or leave me to my job. Dont get me wrong though, if I meet someone who has an injury, or something and I have some information which might help them Ill talk to them and try and help them with their issue. But Im not going to check in with them every day or once a month, what ever to see how they are, if it helped. If it helped, good, if it didnt, someone, something else will. Nothing more I can do.